I love Christians. I love the Church. But believers can be some of the most manipulative and controlling people you will meet. Not all. Not even the majority. But there are enough of them and their actions so heinous that they seem to be everywhere.
I’ve had worship leader friends see this. One in particular decided to introduce a new song to his worship team. It was a little different than their usual songs sounded. And one of his singers didn’t really like the choice.
But instead of simply stating that she didn’t like the song, she decided to control the situation. She actually said:
Shouldn’t we pray about this first? I believe that song might hinder the work of the Holy Spirit in our services. We should pray about that before we decide to do this song.
If you translate that quote from its spiritual jargon, you’ll hear the girl saying, “I don’t like that song, and I’m trying to manipulate you to get my way.” You see; the controlling critic wants to take control of the situation and get their way through using criticism. Criticism is their way of manipulating you into getting what they want.
At the heart of this form of criticism is an undiagnosed form of narcissism. To the controlling critic, people around them are merely chess pieces in the game of their life. In an attempt to be successful, they want to maintain control of all the pieces around them. They want to keep themselves in the center of the situation so they know and can dictate exactly what’s going to happen.
It’s similar to when you share a story with someone and they hijack it by saying, “Oh yeah. I found out about that yesterday.” They want to establish dominance by showing they are in control of the narrative. In their fear of becoming irrelevant or unnecessary, they’ll puff themselves up or put others down.
They’re Narcissus, looking at themselves in the reflection of the pool. And anything that competes with their own reflection, they try to remove from the situation through criticism or manipulation.
This form of criticism is particularly nasty because it usually makes the receiver of the criticism feel incredibly small and devalued. It’s important you don’t take their criticism personally. It’s not about you. It’s about them and the fear that they’re losing control of the situation.
A controlling critic is sometimes hard to see, because their criticism will seem like it comes from a place of caring. They’ll point out flaws in your plan, but often they’ll offer to help you. They will try to insert themselves into your dream in order to “help you succeed”—when in reality they just want to gain control. If they can’t keep you from succeeding and pulling attention away from them, at least they’ll be in control of the success and either derail you or take some sort of credit.
How do you tell the difference between a controlling critic and someone who just wants to help you out? There’s one small distinction between the two. The controlling critic will do everything in their power to make it seem like they’re giving you permission to follow your dream. Someone who legitimately wants to help you won’t care if you ask him or her for permission. They want you to follow your dream, and they just want to help you succeed.
Some of the disciples encountered one of these controlling people on their missionary journeys in Acts 16:16-18 (MSG).
One day, on our way to the place of prayer, a slave girl ran into us. She was a psychic and, with her fortunetelling, made a lot of money for the people who owned her. She started following Paul around, calling everyone’s attention to us by yelling out, “These men are working for the Most High God. They’re laying out the road of salvation for you!” She did this for a number of days until Paul, finally fed up with her, turned and commanded the spirit that possessed her, “Out! In the name of Jesus Christ, get out of her!” And it was gone, just like that.
The girl, in an attempt to maintain control of the situation, put her seal of approval on the apostles. By stamping her name on their actions, she was trying to seem like she had given them authority to do what they did. But Paul would have nothing to do with that.
You probably won’t encounter a controlling critic who is possessed by an evil spirit. But we can learn something from this story. You might need to tell them to back off.
While we’re able to ignore the other two types of critics—the caring critic and the jealous critic—the controlling critic often won’t leave you alone. They won’t let you ignore them because they’re struggle and claw for control. You often won’t be able to escape their criticism without a little bit of force.
But first, you should try to thank them for their criticism and move along. A simple, “Thank you, but I’m going to be doing this without you,” is the best way to start out dealing with the controlling critic. Depending on the depth of their narcissism, that might be enough. They won’t be happy that you’re removing them from the equation, but they’ll leave you alone.
But if the controlling critic keeps hassling you, you don’t have to deal with it. You can’t just ignore their criticisms, because they will work to wear you down. And while it might seem unspiritual or mean to confront them, you must. Their criticisms will start bogging you down and derailing you.
Think of it like you’re a boat. Boats require constant maintenance. There’s an organism called barnacles that love to attach themselves to boats. One small patch of barnacles isn’t a big deal. But as they grow and more attach themselves to the boat, they start becoming a drag on the boat. They slow it down in the water. And if you aren’t vigilant and don’t treat them properly, they can eventually erode the bottom of the boat. They can actually sink a boat.
The small things are just like the controlling critic’s remarks. They seem ignorable at first, but if you leave them untreated, they’ll slow you down. And if you let them fester, they can ultimately sink the ship.
So how do you confront the controlling critic? You tell them to back off.
I’m not saying you need to be mean spirited or burn a relationship. But with strength and resolve, there’s nothing wrong with telling them to mind their own business. You don’t have to be their doormat.
You’ll feel like a meany. You’ll feel like you’re losing a friend. And you very well might. But if this type of person is trying to control this one area of your life, there’s a good chance they’ll try to control other areas too.
Control and manipulation are a blight that—if left unchecked—can get into every area of your life and pull you down.
And contrary to popular belief, it’s okay to remove people from your life. Nowhere in the Bible does it say to become a doormat or to welcome just anyone into your life to have authority and power. The Apostle Paul actually told Timothy the types of people to remove from his life in 2 Timothy:
Don’t be naive. There are difficult times ahead. As the end approaches, people are going to be self-absorbed, money-hungry, self-promoting, stuck-up, profane, contemptuous of parents, crude, coarse, dog-eat-dog, unbending, slanderers, impulsively wild, savage, cynical, treacherous, ruthless, bloated windbags, addicted to lust, and allergic to God. They’ll make a show of religion, but behind the scenes they’re animals. Stay clear of these people. – 2 Timothy 3:1-5 (MSG)
Don’t let these people drag you down.
Instead, surround yourself with the right types of people. Look for encouragers. Look for those who love you. Look for the cheerleaders and wise advisors in your life.
If you’re willing to do the work of removing the controlling critic from your life and surrounding yourself with the right people, you can experience something great. You can remove the drag and the sludge that weighs you down. Your dream will become a delight instead of a dread.
This reminds me of Job’s friends in the Book of Job. Their criticism of Job is less about Job and more about their own lives and making sense of God in their own way, rather than trying to help the Kingdom of God or Job for that matter.