We’ve all been there. We’ve all seen that singular moment when something’s triggered in a discussion that turns it into a raging inferno of argument. Whether it’s a Facebook comment battle, a spat with a spouse, or a political discussion over coffee—we’ve all seen the frightening things that can happen when people start arguing irrationally.
Once you’ve seen the discussion cross over into argument territory, how do you bring it back? Here are some steps that could help.
1. Stop talking about the issue immediately.
Once emotion gets added to the discussion, there’s no chance anyone will think rationally and get swayed one way or another. Just stop talking about the issue. Request a “pause” if you want. Just make it clear you need to sidebar. (Don’t mention that you think the other person has gone into irrational territory. That won’t make them more rational.)
2. Apologize for taking it too far.
If they’re getting irrational, it’s probably because of something you said. You touched a nerve somewhere. Immediately apologize for that. “I’m sorry I said _____, that was unfair of me.” The sooner you do this, the sooner you can get back into rational territory. Also, it’ll help you keep from stacking new things into the discussion you’ll need to apologize for later.
3. Establish your common ground again.
There’s a reason you had a discussion in the first place. You had some sort of common ground. If you’re a couple, it’s because you love each other. If you’re friends, you enjoy spending time with each other. State that common ground. Remember together what you have in common and get on the same team again.
4. Establish areas of agreement.
If you must continue the argument, focus on areas where you agree for a while. It’ll help you remember that the actual problem is a small one. The smaller you can make the problem, the easier it will be to have a rational discussion.
5. Realize it’s probably not worth arguing about anyways.
But while you’re thinking rationally, you’ll probably find it’s not worth arguing about anyways. Most of my arguments are about minutiae that don’t truly matter one way or another. I’d suggest you drop the issue and go eat some ice cream together. Ice cream solves most anything.
I love looking at the stories of Jesus, because you don’t really see him arguing with anyone. He humbled himself, even when people were wildly accusing him. Imagine if we carried that sort of humility into all the things we did too.
Ultimately, that’s what will diffuse the argument. Humility. Let’s strive for that.
