Friday I posted about how to say “no” to someone’s idea for you—whether it be for your money, time, or energy. But I got the question about how to do the same sort of thing for your wife. How do you say “no” to your spouse’s idea for you—something they want to partner with you on? This is a massively complicated question—dependent on your particular relationship and what your spouse actually wants you to do. But there are two things I have to say on the topic…and I think they can make a big change to the way you relate with your spouse.
First of all, a project can be a form of investment into your marriage. I do all sorts of things I don’t want to do out of love for my wife: workout, eat paleo, watch So You Think You Can Dance… I don’t do these things during my work hours, but when I’m with my wife, my time is completely hers. Maybe this project needs to be an investment in your marriage.
Secondly—and this is the big one—have you made your spouse part of your dream? Let me explain.
Have you expressed to your spouse what you want to accomplish? Have you asked them to join you—at least with their mental energy?
Early in my marriage—and I’m still tempted to do this—I was determined to impress my wife with how awesome I was. I’d tell her about my accomplishments: how many people read my blog, what conferences I was speaking at, etc. But I never really included her in my business. I wanted her to sit on the outside looking in, admiring my glory.
But what that showed her—when I bragged to her—was that my work was more important than her. She had no real value in that area of my life.
Once I began asking her opinion and telling her my dreams for my business, she started becoming part of the process. (Frankly some of my best ideas have come from Carolina.) She now suggests I do things that she previously would have preferred me to not do. “You should totally go to that conference.” “I think you need a new computer.” “You should buy that expensive camera.”
So short answer: Maybe you should invest in your spouse by saying “yes”. Or maybe you can let your spouse say “no” for you by including them in your dreams.
